Titles are for Losers

Ranting Asparagus

2011-12-10T23:19:00.001+08:00

Ranting is an incredible way to blog. You just have to keep talking, non-stop, till you feel like you have reached some awesome conclusion about something completely redundant. You type whatever comes out in your mind. Honestly the first thing in my mind now is "asparagus", but this topic is extremely difficult to rant about since it is about a vegetable and I am not a vegetarian so I lack the fucking expertise and qualification to do so.

So if the topic is difficult, what should you do? Give up and change topics? Try your best to continue ranting about that topic? Type rhetorical questions which the answers are all no? No, No, Yes. If you noticed, the last question wasn't rhetorical (if you do find a certain logic flaw, go solve the fucking sudoku or something you motherfucking show-off).

Ok fine perhaps it is best to change topics. You will probably be subconsciously doing that, if you are ranting. I mean just talk about something random like sudoku in your previous paragraph and tadaaa! Topic changed. The trick is to never let them realise you are trying to change topics, unless you are a pro like me who have been an expert at this for ages (ages is a exaggerated time dilation for a period of 1 year).

Then suddenly you have the revelation that the new topic is an even harder topic to talk about. For example, I realise I am not Japanese and dont have the expertise and qualification to talk about shit like sudoku. So what do you do now? Do you continue to type rhetorical questions which the answers are all no? Regarding this question, honestly I think I have created a paradox here. Ok, "YES" if it is rhetorical, "NO" if it is not. Just pick a side, there is no dark side, this ain't Star Wars. Although I think picking "YES" would be seen as a form of submission of the weak and thus fall closely with the dark side, but fuck you guys aren't Star Wars fans anyway, you don't have to give shit about the balance of the Force.

Ok fine perhaps it is best to continue ranting about that topic. So we move back to our dear asparagus. We try to dig deep to our creativity. We try to expand "asparagus" as an interesting topic.

Asparagus is green. Green is a colour.

Ok fuck this I give up.

Lol out.

Circle line

2011-10-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

A comparative study between bi-directional methods of transportation to quantitatively analyse the difference in speed to reach Northern Stations from Clementi using Mass Rapid Transit

Author: Kaecol

Abstract:
Residents of northern stations (stretch from Kranji to Khatib) with the need to go home from Clementi have always relied on the usual uni-directional (west-wards) method of interchanging from East-West Line to North-South Line at Jurong East station. With the opening of Circle Line, a possibility of decrease in time has been opened to such residents by interchanging from Buona Vista station instead. After comparison of time-efficiency using bi-directional methods, research is conclusive that this possibility is false (with the possible exception of Khatib station for 6-7pm), with approximate mid-point of Admiralty station having a 50 minutes travel time for Circle Line compared to the usual method.

Key Words:
Go, Home, In, 50, Minutes

1. Introduction

The Mass Rapid Transit or MRT is a rapid transit system that forms the backbone of the railway system in Singapore, spanning the entire city-state. This form of transport is commonly used by Singaporeans, especially those without private transport, rich parents (the previous two are closely related) and those that require travel of long distances. Residents of northern Singapore have been geographically discriminated against since the dawn of the history of Singapore, possibly due to the proximity to Malaysia. This is evident from the incredible difficulty in transportation to other parts of Singapore, where Clementi is a notable example, as the school of an important person is located there. Northern Singapore has 7 stations, consisting of, from west to east, Kranji, Marsiling, Woodlands, Admiralty, Sembawang, Yishun, and Khatib. These 7 stations are termed the Northern stations, or K-K stations (Kranji to Khatib). Subsequently, the dash in K-K stations has been removed to form KK stations, using the initials of an important person who lives in Admiralty, the mid-point of the 7 stations. As convention, studies on the KK stations have been widely focused in Admiralty.

Previous research spanning close to 5 years by Kaecol et.al have revealed that the average timing taken for a resident in Clementi to reach Admiralty is approximately 30 minutes. This is done by using the East-West Line (green line) towards the West, and then interchanging at Jurong East Station to the North-South Line (red line). This is inclusive of the waiting time interval for interchanging, which is approximately 3 minutes, and with the assumption that the MRT driver is not an idiot that screws up every once and then, lengthening travel time. With the complete opening of Circle Line at 8th October 2011, an alternative route has been inferred after extensive research (the author spent 10 seconds looking at the new MRT map). The alternative route using green line towards the East , then interchanging at Buona Vista Station to Circle Line (orange line) towards the north, then interchanging at Bishan Station to red line towards KK stations. With the availability of a new route, a preliminary test has been conducted to obtain the travelling time required of such a route. The observed results are presented in this paper.

2. Materials and Methods

Researcher was equipped with a Sony Ericsson Xperia X10 Mini phone running on Android for timing purposes. The application used was called Stopwatch and Timer, downloaded from the Android Market. The accuracy and precision of such a device is comparatively 243 times better than the commonly used iPhone, due to the customizability of Android. Researcher was also equipped with casual shoes bought from Malaysia. The shoes were not capable of running to restrict the researcher from sprinting to tweak the timing results.

The researcher was instructed to start the stopwatch upon entrance of MRT towards Pasir Ris/Changi Airport at Clementi. To ensure that the researcher began accurately on time, while not committing an illegal offence, the researcher made sure that he stood close to the MRT door and took a 0.8m stride into the MRT across the yellow line and platform gap while pressing the START button on the stopwatch synchronously. This required a lot of effort and difficulty, but the researcher is well-trained and extremely capable. Plus the receptive touch screen of such an Android device is flawless.

Researcher alighted at Buona Vista Station and walked towards the Circle Line. The speed of the walk was 5km/h, or 1 KRSNAPFA (Kevin's Running Speed for National Fitness Physical Award). Researcher waited for 3 minutes as the time interval during interchanging of trains for standardization purposes.

Researcher took Circle Line to Bishan Station. On a side note, Botanic Gardens Station to Caldecott Station takes forever, causing temporal psychological distraught to researcher. Researcher alighted at Bishan Station and walked at 1.2 KRSNAPFA because he realised he really needed to pee. Sadly, the interchange time interval still remained at 3 minutes. To avoid bursting of bladder and possible damage to the valuable researcher, researcher had to walk home from Admiralty at 1.9 KRSNAPFA, but that is beyond the scope of this research.

Researcher took red line towards Jurong East and alighted at Admiralty, the mid-point of the KK stations. Researcher had to perform the feat of synchronously pressing the button again upon arrival, but this time the challenge increased in difficulty level as now it was the STOP button instead, which is slightly positioned to the right of the phone. Nevertheless, the capable researcher managed to complete the task and timing was successfully recorded.

3. Results

The timing was recorded to be 50minutes. As this is a comparative study, the bar graph plot of the timing of both research groups are presented below.

The red plot shows the timing taken for the previous group using the conventional green line switch to red line, while the pink plot is the timing for the current research. The timing are 30min and 50min respectively. This indicates that using the alternative route of Circle Line is 20min longer. This is extremely ridiculous for people who need to pee urgently.

For people living at Khatib, it might be more worth it to take Circle Line during 6pm to 7pm peak hours, as the additional train from Jurong East might end in Yew Tee, which is before Khatib, while the additional train from Bishan ends at Yishun, which is after Khatib. Although this has not been thoroughly examined due to the lack of researchers residing in Khatib, but calls for future studies.

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, residents of northern Singapore should REFRAIN FROM TAKING THE CIRCLE LINE.

Acknowledgements

The author would like to thank VJ for peer review of this paper before publication to the Journal of Titles are for Losers.

References

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_Rapid_Transit_(Singapore)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Admiralty_MRT_Station

http://www.smrt.com.sg/main/index.asp

http://www.sonyericsson.com/cws/corporate/products/phoneportfolio/specification/xperiax10mini

Lol out.

Waiting for Food

2011-09-24T20:38:00.001+08:00

Oh god, I took 3 minutes to log in to blogger and find the "New Post" button. Gosh I hate the new blogger layout, it lags and is really confusing.

Funny thing is, 3 minutes isnt a really long time. I usually have more patience than that. I mean, waiting isn't all that bad anyway. You can do other stuff in the meantime. For example, I was eating my dinner while waiting. I recommend you to do other things while waiting. It is ridiculous to not do anything but wait. Lets say you wanna wait for your parents to die before you inherit their gold and assets. Do you sit around and do nothing? No goddamit, you suck up to them in the mean time so that a large proportion of gold and assets go to you and not to your damn siblings.

So for those of you that get incredibly impatient when waiting for something on your computer to load, go eat something in the meanwhile. Speaking of which, when I am at home, I eat all 3 meals in my room. Except on occasions like reunion dinners and birthday dinners which I am forced to go eat on the dining table. Those experiences are extremely distasteful (literally). Wow screw it I need to make better puns, but they are all lame now due to my swollen ankle.

As I was saying, I love eating in my room. Apart from the advantage of having something to do while my comp is lagging, the other real advantage is that I get to avoid eating food which I dislike. Basically due to the proximity of my computer table to the window, I launch food that I dislike out of the window, which can never be done in the dining room, where my mum can see my every action (this includes me trying to make fractal art with my noodles).

Yeah I really mean launch. I have attached a nifty mechanism on my window grill to perform such a spectacular task. The mechanism is made up of simply a huge spoon and a rubber band. Due to laziness I won't explain how the mechanism works in detail, imma gonna let your creativity help you visualize. If it helps, my window grills are horizontal, and the launching process closely resembles loading a catapault.

Hmm by now, you would probably have lots of questions. Like "Why would you waste food so simply? How about all the Africans that are starving? Isn't this killer litter? How does the mechanism work (I can't visualize)? Don't worry, I will answer them for you!

1. Why would you waste food so simply?
Ans: I believe I am not wasting. The food goes to the cats living below my block. I am merely sustaining the population of cats below my block and putting a positive selective pressure on weaker human beings that are allergic to cats (3 of them have moved out since the inception of my idea).

2. How about all the Africans are starving?
Ans: In contrary to popular belief, cats are more important than Africans. I know this concept is hard to grasp, but the impact and value of cats have been greatly increasing ever since the LOLcat meme came out. Thus I recognized my priorities. In fact, before the value of cats overtook the Africans, I did not waste food. Only when the balance tipped over in favour of cats, then I started launching food down for them. The time of the tip in balance was coincidentally also the time when my mum allowed me to have my meals in my room.

3. Isn't this killer litter?
Ans: No it isn't. I live on the 5th floor. I did a physics calculation: Since this was projectile motion, the collateral area my food fell on was limited to a small stretch perpendicular to my block (after accounting for various deviation from shaky hands while launching). Plus being only at 5th floor, the food could maximally fall at a harmless velocity. The only possible damage to the residents who happen to walk in that small stretch while I was launching is perhaps having orange coloured hair from the carrots I launch. In fact if they watch Bleach anime they might feel happy that they could cosplay Ichigo till they go home and wash their hair.

4. How does the mechanism work (I can't visualize)?
Ans: Hmm this means two things: you are either under 12 years old with the lack of creativity, or you are a woman above the age of 24 that have difficulties in spatial arrangement of 3D diagrams. Either way, you shouldnt be visiting this blog. If you are under 12, you should go and play with your transformer toys. If you are a woman above the age of 24, you should be in the kitchen making dinner for your spouse. The only reason you should use internet is to update your spouse on what he is having using facebook or twitter. This is the only reason why he bought you an iphone please.

(The 24 age limit before women start deteriorating in intelligence in general is true. This is why Singapore does not have compulsory NS for girls: For those doing further studies after their 4 years in university, if they had NS their age would likely be above 24, thus their intellgence drop will prove to be too troublesome.)

K hoped that this was helpful! Btw I don't really launch food out of the window, that is super retarded. But I have tested the mechanism and it works like a charm :P

Lol out.

How not to do work in Singapore

2011-08-02T18:43:00.004+08:00

You hate monday mornings. You dislike seeing your Boss's face. You are tired from all the work stress.

Sadly, I don't give a shit

But since I am an empathetic individual (you are a pathetic one), I have devised an easy and cool way to earn money from not doing anything at all in Singapore. Really. Minimal effort is required.

Its called placing standard ticket collection boxes in MRT stations.

This method is beautiful. Remember that every standard ticket has a $1 deposit. Returning the card to SMRT gives you back $1. So the plan is to collect as many standard tickets as possible.

But which idiots will willingly give you that $1? Tourists are the best targets, of course. Preferably tourists that don't understand English for nuts. Just put up a big sign that has the picture of the green colored standard ticket, and those idiots will put it there.

So design your collection box. Apart from having that big sign with the picture of the green colored standard ticket, you could attract the tourists more by linking the green colored card to a theme such as environmental friendliness. Oh yea, include the recycling logo too. And the LTA logo, so that no one will question you. Clever advertisement is the key in every product.

Also, place the box in smart places. Not in every MRT station, but specific tourists attractions. Like Orchard, City Hall, Clarke Quay, Chinatown and so on. Not at ulu places like Clementi and Admiralty. The tourists don't go there. Learn how to strategize placement of key infrastructure.

To fully utilize the potential of the box, name the box "Standard Ticket Deposit Box for Recycling", where the word "deposit" might confuse even the English speaking tourists that hear the word "deposit" while obtaining the card. The idea is to create a psychological rift among your clients to gain the necessary financial advantage.

Remember, your clients are tourists. Do make sure your signboard is in many different languages. Tourists feel happy and contented if they see that you actually give shit about their country's language. Vice-versa, you make tourists feel that they are from an extremely special country if they dont see their country's language on that multilingual board. So just pick the popular languages and watch as you profit.

Oh yeah, dont credit me. Fuck no. This is your beautiful idea. If you wish to thank me, email me and we can arrange a way for you to donate generously to support this blog which is really really expensive to sustain.

Lol out.

Privately in Public

2011-06-15T23:47:00.003+08:00

So it was another sunny day.

Then there was a terrible storm.

God I love doing this.

This above mechanic I just performed makes me a killjoy. A killjoy is one who spoils the enthusiasm or fun of others. Did not copy that from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/killjoy at all. And also I didn't even bother to change the font at all. And I just realised the address bar has the exact same font as the default font in this textbox, so copying and pasting from the address bar makes the font revert to normal size. Nice. All those irrelevant things in life now make perfect sense. If I said that these few sentences were absolute sarcasm would I contradict myself? Love the internet.

This above mechanic I just performed makes me a killjoy.

God I love doing this.

So it was another sunny day. I went to my friend's condo to trade harddisks. For safety and security reasons I will not expose my friend's true name. Instead we shall use two randomly picked initials like V and J. This of course has nothing to do with the person whose name would sound like how you will pronounce the alphabets V.J. together. I assure you client confidentially is of utmost importance.

So as I was saying it was another sunny day. And I went to V.J.'s condo to trade harddisks. Trading harddisks was the only reason why i went to V.J.'s condo. I did not had any alternative motives like telling him which cake was nice for V.J.'s upcoming birthday party (toldja the cake was going to be nice) or dropping a hint that I like miranda orange (which idiot drank all the miranda orange during the party? whos the greedy son of a bitch?) or forgetting to tell V.J. everyone hates Coke Zero (sorry guys, i forgot) or surveying the site for possible escape routes in case there was a fire and possible areas to loot in case of earthquakes. Oh yeah happy birthday V.J.

So instead of deviating from the main subject, lets get back to point. So as I was saying it was another sunny day. And I went to his/her (I cannot reveal gender information) condo to trade harddisks. While heading to V.J.'s condo I decided my spider sense was tingling and i needed to use the bathroom to excrete waste. So I requested to use the condo swimming pool toilet, which I termed as a private public toilet. V.J. retorted like a retarded retainee like |-|@|\|531 (Hansel in 1337, the disguise was for client confidentially purposes thus I will not reveal his/her name) that I was wrong and it was a public private toilet.

And guess what? We ended up in a heated argument. My argument is that it was privately owned by the condo, but publicly accessible by people within the condo. Thus the ordering of the adjectives. And his/her argument was that... well I kinda forgot. Hey when you know your opinion is right you kinda shut off your mind to all those rebuttals coz all of them are going to be wrong. Or we can just stick with I forgot.

Then I realised we were arguing about a really really retarded thing. Which could be a subject of legal issue if the term privatization or public toilets was coined for use in the legal department over embezzlement of local investment in condominium toilets, but in the end it wasnt worth arguing about. I am truly sorry I insulted you on this blog by calling you a retarded retainee, I did not mean it. Don't worry you are fine, you are a year 6 student! Unlike |-|@|\|531. Oh yeah btw i could go back and remove the sentence if you want me to. But "retorted like a retarded retainee" rhymes so well it is a really good tongue twister i couldnt bear to delete it.

God I love doing this.

Lol out.

Taking heed of advices

2011-05-09T22:34:00.004+08:00

I am giving up. On trying to cook.

One simply does not acquire that skill innately. I have had a couple of mishaps, these days while trying to cook. Scalded skin, oil splattered floor, and roasted pet rodents (this is obviously not true). Oh, and have you ever seen a shattering tofu?

If your answer was yes, you are obviously lying. Only I can make shattering tofu. That is, fried tofu that have around 80% chance of exploding in all directions when held over a frying pan.

And I say that with 95% confidence (hey, I am trying to study statistics at the same time).

Its kind of like a frag grenade. For those of you who don't know what a frag grenade is, a frag grenade is a elementary playschool toy. It has been proven to be the most effective in quieting a bunch of kids down. Kids really love to bite on anything resembling a pacifier and tugging at it with their mouths.

So as I was saying, the shattering tofu is like a frag grenade. And I am extremely grateful and thankful to Britney Spears for saving my life. God bless her.

Wait what? Frag Britney Spears's Tofu? How does it all make sense?

Ok, like all great stories, it is best to start at the beginning.

I was trying to cook my favorite dish. And as unfortunate as I can be, my favorite dish consists of preparing fried tofu. This cooking initiative was enforced legislatively by the senior member of my blood-bond closest kin relations. Or in simpler terms, my mum made me learn cooking.

So what ingredients do you need for frying tofu? All you need is tofu, cooking oil, and cornstarch/flour. Simple and easy. Roll the tofu in cornstarch and cook it in the pan using the cooking oil.

Now, I would like to provide you all with general tips in life, which I would like all to take heed.

1. Vinegar, looks like fucking cooking oil.

2. Baking Soda, looks like fucking cornstarch.

Oh yea, on a less important sidenote, mixing vinegar and baking soda gives you explosions.

Ok, I was exaggerating. There is only a sizzling reaction between baking soda and vinegar. Sure, bubbles are formed, but it isn't even close to an explosion.

Unless of course, you supply heat to the reaction.

So there I was, wasting my time cooking a dish. My "oil" has started to sizzle, and everything looked good. My "cornstarch" hasn't turned brown yet though, and I wonder why.

Then my playlist miraculously shuffles to the latest Britney Spears' song.

As a young and educated Singaporean, I recognized my priorities. I needed to change tracks. Preferably to something like Mogwai or the Weakerthans. Both are incredible bands.

As soon as I left the kitchen, everything in the pan turned into chaos. Tofu started jumping out of the pan. Some shattered and splurted stuff all over the place. Bits of tofu landed near the sink. The whole scenario was like some Pompeii revisit. I ended up being punished and force to clean the whole kitchen. So I spent the next 2 hours miserably trying to scrub off the tofu.

On a more optimistic point of view, I successfully managed to change tracks to the Weakerthans. And even better, I won't ever have to touch the frying pan again :D

Now do you see the reason why I am thanking Britney Spears? Because she makes such sucky music, it really makes you have to change it. And that miraculous moment saved my life. Because if I hadn't walked out, I might have ended up being really injured and burnt and paralyzed and crippled and killed. God bless her.

And of course, the above story is completely untrue (aww). I mean, who the fuck is gonna thank Britney Spears?

p.s. Vinegar and baking soda really reacts. A safe procedure to observe this reaction is to fill your baby brother's mouth with baking soda and force feed him vinegar to watch foams come out of his mouth. Do remember to close his mouth to restrict messing up the floor and of course, for easier disposal.

Lol out.

Do we really need good grammar/vocabulary?

2011-05-05T00:01:00.001+08:00

I am writing back in response to the D grade I received for language during one of my fruitless exploits of the thing called Summative.

First of all, like any good argument, it should have logic and facilitate a civil discussion. Violence, swearing, and trolling should be avoided. I, and I like to think we, would perhaps want this argument to be ideal in terms of reflecting the issue at hand and not as a mean to provoke or verbally abuse each other. I hope this turns out to be a fruitful discussion which I would, try to effectively represent my ideas as an argument to why we don't need good grammar or vocabulary.

So let us start. As this is the initial stage of developing my arguments as a frontal assault into the depths of your mind, I would have to put a really good quote down. It is apparently completely useless and uninteresting if my introduction does not start with a quote. An epic quote always sways the fragile mind of my reader to support my ideals and arguments. The quote doesn't even need to have a meaning, just two really long words that seem to be substantial of a high level of vocabulary. As I am currently incapable of thinking of an original quote, I shall create one on the spot, and say it is a quote by a famous person. Heck, I will even create the person on the spot, as long as he has a short Christian name as his first name and a longer name that sounds German or English as his last name.

"Supremacy deviates the unintentional." This quote, by Jeff Averendon, depicts how useless grammar and vocabulary can be in today's world. Note that I used the argument in the context of today's world. My argument has to be absolutely updated, and omnipresent in every place in the world. Without these magical two words, you obviously jump on me like a wolf, and rip my argument into shreds. No I am not going to let you do that. You did that 4 years ago. No way am I going to give you a second chance. I have gained a lot of experience now, having taken lessons which contain the exact same content for close to 4 years. What I do not understand is, why you constantly come up and question me about the topic of feminism throughout these 4 years. My friends and I have already made our intentions clear: we are extremely unwilling to engage in an argument regarding that topic. Why do you have to constantly remind us? It would perhaps, be a better alternative if you based your argumentative questions on more important issues at hand, like whether red paint or green paint would look nicer on the garden gate? We would be more obliged to write a descriptive and argumentative essay regarding that.

If it inherently puzzles you, I would really prefer green paint, as it kind of matches the green of the garden. This is obviously completely dependent on whether your garden has a bed of roses. Red would be a better alternative for this situation.

This is the exact time you tend to criticize me. You take every opportunistic chance, to tell me that I have obviously gone out of point. You find the most ridiculous way to ridicule my argument, by searching extensively for a small part which might be insignificant to the issue at hand, and ask: Where is the link? Are you sure this is in the context of the argument? You repeat this question, again and again, in perhaps one or two arguments per essay I write. You state I went out of point. How? The issue at hand is whether we need good grammar/vocabulary, but why does that mean I cannot talk about color choices for the garden gate? Is it humane to do so, to restrict my rights and urges to write about the wonderful garden gate? The link between garden gates and grammar is nonexistent, you say? Don't they both start with the alphabet G? Don't they both end with R?

Again you spot a mistake. The word 'gates' don't end with R. The obvious weakness in my speelling creates an increased level of frustration within your inner chi. To vent your frustration, you decide to lower my grade in the language component. But first of all, of course you double check my name to make sure I am not one of those pitiful China nationals that might be slightly (or extremely) disadvantaged in my language proficiency. Why is there this bias? Don't they also have 4 years of training? How are you certain I didn't spend my primary school living in Shanghai and thus have lower standards of English (which I apparently did, for your information). Is there a need for such outright bias?

Slippery slope. I do not suffer from this chronic condition, but some of my friends do. I do not fathom the idea why it is inherently wrong to base your argument on other inter-linked arguments which leads to the current argument. Slippery slope arguments have nothing wrong with them, if they make sense using logic. And because they have nothing wrong with them, it is correct to use them. And because it is correct to use them, there should not be a penalty when using them. And because no penalty should be incurred for using them, slippery slope arguments make sense using logic.

Conclusions are difficult to write. Understandably, you are kind, and sympathize with us as you understand there might be a problem with our weak skills in time management. I thank you for that. Then you write a commentary underneath our conclusion, which is as I put it, completely illegible. We spend so much time, honing our penmanship to please you, and then in return receive feedback that look equivalent to amateur abstract art? I thank you sincerely.

I didn't put relevant examples? Again?

Lol out.

Golf

2011-03-25T23:52:00.001+08:00

Golf, perhaps, is one of the saddest most useless game ever invented.

For those who have studied english in our school, perhaps you have begun to doubt the credibility of my sentence. The sentence sounds outrightly bias and you suspect the author has had no experience or pretext in the wonderful game of golf at all. I understand that using words that are extremities like "most" do portray the effect that I am not really giving a slight bit of chance to the possibility that golf might be a fun sport. But hey, you are right, it is perfectly true that i aint giving a shit about whether I am bias or not, golf is DEFINITELY NOT FUN.

Speaking about english, perhaps it is time to practice on my english writing skills as preparation for the summative essay next week.

Looking back, God, i feel that the introduction is perhaps a little inadequate. It is only one sentence long! It does have some form of worded impact, but lack the essential background context. Here, let me rewrite to hone my weak writing skills.

Golf, perhaps, is one of the saddest most useless game ever invented.

Now that sounds much better. I have improved my phrasing. Pardon my grammatical error in the use of the words "saddest most". I pray that i dont repeat my mistakes during summative.

If you are capable of reading english, you would have realised by now the introduction remained unchanged, except that I have italicised the second introduction. If you are incapable of reading english, it doesnt really matter anyway, because you obviously can't read this sentence regardless of whether i am dedicating this sentence talking to people that aren't even reading it (a perfectly fine logical error). Perhaps the only situation which you can't read english yet visit my blog is that you are one of my japanese cousins. If you really are, do post something on my tagboard in japanese to tell me that you still do have a working internet connection after the horrendous earthquakes and tsunamis. The only thing i can offer to the people of your country is to pray. Due to unforeseen economical circumstances I am unable to donate money to that cause. I hope to resolve this economical crisis soon when i get my pocket money on 1st April. But of course, this might all be an April's Fool Joke.

Oh so much for deviating from the main subject. I believe i was explaining the important difference in my corrected introduction. The stark difference in the second introduction was the appropriate and excellent use of italicised fonts. It does provide the feel, the texture, and the indescribable sensation of an incredible literate speaker emphasizing the key points of his argument. If you are one with a background or passion in literature, it is most definite you can feel the words caress your inner ear and embrace your deep thoughts. The italicised fonts accompanied by the strong logic of the sentence, creates a work of magic.

It is of human nature, or at least of my nature, to be curious and wonder why are slanted sleeker fonts called italicised fonts. Without using the omnipotent powers of Google or Wikipedia to find the answer, perhaps it would be more fun to exercise my brain, and run through the complicated yet non-existent thought processes to accurately and quickly figure the answer out.

First of all, the word "italicised" strikes a chord. I have heard it somewhere before. Now this is where the conversation with myself gets really awkward because half of my mind recognizes the question as a rhetorical question and the other half just wants to go to sleep. So lets skip the chase, the answer is obviously Italy (do take an IQ test if you were unsure of the answer, unless you are American). Now, as normal inquisitive people, we brainstorm for anything linking the beautiful country of Italy (which is still in debt) to anything that is sleek and slanted like the italicised font:

Sleek Italian sports car, but they are not slanted.
Sleek Italian spaghetti, yet they are not slanted.
Sleek Italian pizza, yet I am just hungry.
Slanted Italian worldcup soccer team, yet i have no idea what am i talking about.
Sleek and slanted Italian underwear... Hey a match!

Branded underwear are usually sleek, and slanted to produce such a magnificent style that ~~makes your privates look bigger~~ emphasizes on your inner importance. I m talking about the famous brand Dolce & Gabanna. Wearing them makes a BOLD fashion statement.

A BOLD fashion statement? The words are in BOLD! Might it be of any relevance to font change?

It came to me like a sudden enlightenment: Bold Italicised Underwear! The common three font changing aspects come from Dolce & Gabanna! What a wonderful marketing strategy to incorporate typing with the image of a branded underwear!

edit: To my utmost surprise, the italicised font format did not originate from the marketing plan of Dolce & Gabanna. I apologize on my slight error and sincerely regret if you have purchased their underwear in the midst of confusion. If you are interested with the history of italicised texts, here is the omnipotent link of wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italic_type

So here i am, still stuck on introduction. I dont think i have time anymore, perhaps i will just end my essay with a simple yet effective conclusion:

Golf, perhaps, is one of the saddest most useless game ever invented.

Using two types of font formattings, bolding and underlining, does create an everlasting impact, doesnt it? This is a rhetorical question again, but this time, the other half of my mind tells me i really need to fucking sleep.

Lol out.

Back to blog

2011-02-28T01:49:00.000+08:00

Omg i m back to blogging lol. After close to one year.

I would like to thank my pet cat, Taffy.

Firstly, Taffy is a generic loser cat name. Blame my highly culturally westernized brother for picking such a horrible generic name for a cat. We could have named it Godzilla. Or something much more powerful like Jackie Chan (hey that guy survived almost everything, he would definitely beat Godzilla).

Secondly, I would like to thank him (or her, I havent checked) for being there for me all the way through thick and thin, and giving me moral support whenever i feel down. (Do not confuse feeling down with having down syndrome, down syndrome is specially reserved for special people. I obviously do not possess those special qualities, regardless of whether you think i have.)

Last but not least, I would like to tell you Taffy is a non-existent, experimentally hallucinated cat. I dont own a cat, but thanks to the panadol i took I think i actually hallucinated a cat.

OPTION TIME! :

If you decide not to eat panadol, flip to page 2.
If you decide to take panadol to hallucinate your favorite cat, take 12 panadols and flip to page 444

pg2:

If you are familiar with the above options i just mentioned, they come from a type of book called <CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURES>, and they were very popular with the previous generations (my father's colleagues have tons of them). Basically, they were books that allowed you to make decisions that are represented as options on the bottom of the page, and then tell you to flip to a specific page. Bad decisions cost you your character's life. And then you would have to restart. Simply said, it is a book-styled rpg (role playing game).

The trick into winning this book game was to either be really really really really really lucky, or remember the damn page numbers. Doing so will allow you to refer back to your previous steps and correct your mistakes. This is a really cheapskate strategy and sorts of takes away the fun from the book, and makes you a loser. Hey you were supposed to die and feel pissed while exploring lots of options and then feel REALLY awesome after you finished the book!

So as pertaining to my previous options, if you came to the logical conclusion that eating panadol is a ridiculous and impossible way to hallucinate a cat, i commend you for being logical and ruining my fun. While if you havent realised what were the options about and decided to just casually scroll downwards to read, it is fine, i understand your father colleagues didnt have books such as these. While if you decided to employ the cheapskate strategy and check each page slowly, you are the second ultimate loser in life (Alastiar is currently holding first place).

Alternatively, if you decided to take the second option and eat 12 panadols to try to hallucinate a cat, here is page 444:

pg444:

Disclaimer: The above blog author is not responsible for any action anyone carries out outside his jurisdiction. The author does not have credentials to give out instructions and thus will not do so, i.e. his blogging services are text-based with no intention of instructing anyone. The author is also not an expert in liver failure and does not have the sufficient knowledge to understand that excess doses of panadol cause severe liver damage and thus failure and might lead to death. If you have come to this page with the intention to sue the author, you cannot as it is not liable, but the author sympathizes with you and if it makes you feel better, the author states that no animals, whether existent or nonexistent, were harmed in the process.

You must be wondering. Why a cat? Why am I thanking it? Why doesnt it exist? Why panadol? Why 12 of them? Why is Alastiar still the Ultimate Loser?

Dont worry, the answers are all here:

1. Why a Cat?
Ans: Because cats have 4 legs. Dogs were obviously not chosen because half of them are bitchy.

2. Why am I thanking it?
Ans: Coz it doesnt exist?

3. Why doesnt it exist?
Ans: Because I was LYING to you. Yes i dont always tell the truth. You should have known by now.

4. Why Panadol?
Ans: Panadol is one of the easier medicine names to type out. Plus I picked a more convenient and available medicine for those that decide to flip to pg 444.

5. Why 12 of them?
Ans: That is conventionally one box of panadol. Or half a box for the big boxes.

6. Why is Alastiar still the Ultimate Loser?
Ans: Seriously? Did you ask that because you want to BE the ultimate loser? Furthermore, I refuse to verbally (or textually) abuse those with Down Syndrome. Its just not nice to do so.

Ok now that i have answered your queries, i need to sleep, PE tmrw awww, have to go for PE honours.

Lol out.

yahoo news

2010-03-27T17:52:00.000+08:00

I think yahoo news is amazing.

In fact, i purely enjoy reading the comments from yahoo users.

btw most of the yahoo users are westerners. Asian people use cooler stuff.

And most of them are americans. This means they dont think before posting their comments. So guess what? their comments are helluva funny.

Take the example, of today's news: the north korean sinking a south korean naval vessel. awesome comments like:

"North Korea Starting a War. Boy this is fantastic."

"I blame oBaMa!"

"Sounds like those Somali pirates are changing their tactics. Now they must have submarines."

"usually when u pull the rubber plug at the bottom of the boat the tub will start taking on water. sometimes its hard to get it back in esp of your hands are soapy."

"Attack... kill the Godless Commies.....or is this to much for the bleeding heart liberals that always want to kiss a brutal dictators butt? Sanctions and talking only allows atrocities to continue...death squad...kill the Dear Leader and his henchmen."

"A thrilling victory for world socialism and communism. Premier Obama is happy"

"nuke the north..long overdue...end of subject"

"North Korea is threatenning to commit Nukacide. I think I invented a word..."Nukacide""

Awesome comments right? and here comes the pro theory:

The only smart people in America are tourists.

well its an old joke, but its true. I mean it.

And time to sleep.

Lol out.

Fucked up Aunties, Fucked up Games

2010-03-17T16:53:00.000+08:00

Omg i got deja vu today.

It was in SAT prep, i was thinking of the word crux, trying to recall what it means, and when the teacher drew a line between the words i felt dejavu.
Cool.

Well i cant do a blog post this short right, so lets talk about some other bullshit.
Like the way this auntie from the hawker centre asked us not drink outside drinks.

I think at the start it was pretty reasonable for her, as her worker there, to tell us to stop drinking outside drinks. Then she got irritating. Well she repeated to us like several million times the same old shit about other customers seeing us do this and following and some bullshit liddat. She was garrulous (a word i learned from SAT prep, it means talkative.) Plus she is some one hell of an ugly son of a bitch. Or daughter, i think its a female. Hopefully. I dont really care, but she looks shitty enough to make mirrors crack. Actually probably any surface that sees her face would split apart.

And here comes my pro theory:

Moses was some ugly son of a bitch. When he met the Red Sea, the waters reflected his face, and then it split apart; thus Moses and his losers could walk past without getting wet. Well from this we deduce that the Egyptians must be fabulously hot.

Ok christian ppl dont emo, i know its hard to accept the real truth, but I am God and i hope you would understand.

I forgive you.

Oh what was I saying again? Oh yeah, ugly bitchy garrulous auntie that works for the hawker centre. And half the time she was talking to Rahul who didnt understand half the shit what she was talking about. Some people are geniuses.

I shall go play dead space soon. Dead Space is an awesome over the shoulder shooter, where you can literally see the player's view from over his shoulder. And its a scary game, intended to spook you. Well playing Dead Space is more stressful than taking an exam. I mean you have to constantly remind yourself stuff will pop up in your face everytime you turn around or go to a corner. Gets you really paranoid after awhile. Plus your heart beat rate definitely rises like crazy when u play in the night with lights off. I think playing in the afternoon takes the stress away, but i havent tried. Apparently bioshock is more scary, but i m pretty desensitized by the cute looking creatures of bioshock. I mean, they call the huge robot "Big Daddy", and it looks freaking cute, how the hell am i supposed to be scared of it? The soundset and music in bioshock is pretty freaky thou.

And there are still games like FEAR i havent completed. Wow that game has so far been the scariest game i ever played. I tried it at 2am in the morning and i sometimes jump at scary moments. The game has this little girl in red that mindfucks you randomly, like for example giving u hallucinations. Although the plot and scary part is cool, it isnt that much fun as a shooter. Even on high graphics, the game feels like counter strike and halflife. They need to make the room feel more realistic, not just gray everywhere, with the paper walls feeling.

I think dead space 2 is coming out soon. But alot of games are being delayed, and I cant tell when will it really come out. Crap i need assassin creed 2, dante's inferno, and CnC4. Emo i aint got the patience to torrent and the money to buy

Lol out.

dejavu

2010-03-16T16:55:00.000+08:00

ok i googled a bit, and found out the assumed answer behind the phenomenon dejavu. Its hard to explain, so i will try practice summarising it.

Basically if perceptions from the present are shunted through the parts of the brain that process memories from the past, those perceptions will feel like they are memories, and the person will feel that they are re-living a moment stored in long-term memory.

Its like, miscommunication of the brain, to process what is happening now in the what had happened part of the brain. Occurs when there is too much communication when you are rapidly thinking of the present while thinking about the past. The part of the brain that thinks about the present and is responsible for short term memory is the amyglada, which is very close to the part responsible about long term memory called the parahippocampal cortex. It some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain that causes deja vu.

Well jamais vu, the opposite of deja vu, is when there is lower interaction or temporal lack of connection between neurons of both sites of the brain. Thus the present doesnt correlate with the past, and you find yourself unable to remember who your mum is.

And yeah thats basically it.

So why does that happen? I dont really know. Maybe we could try some crap like this.

Lets say, try remember who your last year class mates are. All of them. Then while doing that, focus on looking at the cars outside. perhaps this long term memory and the present will somehow mix up and give u dejavu.

Omg i m gonna try nao.

Damn didnt work. Shit fail.

Apparently it was more of mental fatigue then dejavu.

Lol out.

First Epic Post

2010-03-14T01:23:00.000+08:00

Well this post is second actually. But its considered as an official first.
Holy crap, I didn't make my first sentence sound epic.
Ok, I am gonna redo this
But I am really really lazy to select all of the above and click delete. The delete key is really really far.
Well does backspace work? Backspace seems bigger and longer and cooler.
But doing that would spoil the fun and intriguing insight to the above text. So I would just simply indicate that whatever above is not the REAL or OFFICIAL part of the post. Just ignore it.

EPIC FIRST SENTENCE!
Alright that sounds much better. Now back to buisness

I think that was epic lame.
Those who did not think it was lame, you are lame.
So what would you define lame as?
An intended joke but not funny? Or a cold joke? Or a funny joke that is hard to laugh about? Or an embarassing joke pertaining to one of your good friends so you would try not to offend him/her by saying its lame?
Well I think lame would be mainly jokes that are not funny. Or even comments that are intended to be funny or humorous but did not achieve the intended effect. Something like why did the chicken cross the road joke.

Ohoh I got one: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it didn't want to get to the other side!

And that did not make sense at all. Don't worry low IQ people, I will explain the theory of my joke:

In this joke, the author's intention was to bring about criticism of road builders. There is a sarcastic tone to explain the absolute irony that most road builders are black skinned people, and is a comparison to the blackness of a typical road. The chicken is to avoid racism, as most religions allow the consumption of chicken, and from the author's background we can link it to him being a Singaporean, where there are certain minorities which do not consume beef and pork.

See I have learned a lot from English lessons. I have learned enough to critically analyze the context of a joke.

Screw why the hell have we been learning the same shit for 5 semesters. I hope SAT prep teaches you something more interesting.

Enough of this lame shit, let me talk more about my life
Well I feel like ending my life.
Kidding don't report me to the Samaritarians of Singapore. If you do that I will mindfuck them into commiting suicide. Then their friends will be emo and more of them will die. Then I would have a lack of kind emotional people to scam money from by asking for donations.

Then perhaps you should commit suicide. Its fun, try it.
I bet after you try it, you are going to do it again because its addictive! Don't worry, measures will be put in place so you don't get addicted.
Reasons to commit suicide:

1.Change your life
Yeah, everyone is talking about change. To change the world, change everything. And they say, change starts in the personal level. Change starts with YOU. So watcha waiting for, go change your life!

2. Hell is helluva fun
Apparently everyone believes suicide will send you to hell. It does. And hell is fun. Do you believe there is central heating there? Yes there is! And there are flaming hot girls/guys there. Literally FLAMING HOT! And we have this guy named SANTA (i think, i might have spelled the last two alphabets wrongly). This guy goes around every christmas delivering toys and cool metal chunky spiked bracelets with high quality lining (its called handcuffs and chains locally)!

3. Get free stuff from everyone
Trust me, everyone gives you free stuff after you commit suicide. The girls give you flowers, they carve a statue for you with your name on it, you get a free comfy bed, and if you are a chinese family they give you free food every few weeks. If you are indian, your family has no money to give a shit about you, sorry about that.

Well what are you waiting for? Go do it now!

Lol out.

New blog

2010-03-13T14:24:00.000+08:00

Hello all, there has been a problem with my previous gmail, so I had to switch accounts, and I created a new blog under this new account. I won't be porting all my posts over though.

Lol out.