Ranting Asparagus

Ranting is an incredible way to blog. You just have to keep talking, non-stop, till you feel like you have reached some awesome conclusion about something completely redundant. You type whatever comes out in your mind. Honestly the first thing in my mind now is "asparagus", but this topic is extremely difficult to rant about since it is about a vegetable and I am not a vegetarian so I lack the fucking expertise and qualification to do so.

So if the topic is difficult, what should you do? Give up and change topics? Try your best to continue ranting about that topic? Type rhetorical questions which the answers are all no? No, No, Yes. If you noticed, the last question wasn't rhetorical (if you do find a certain logic flaw, go solve the fucking sudoku or something you motherfucking show-off).

Ok fine perhaps it is best to change topics. You will probably be subconsciously doing that, if you are ranting. I mean just talk about something random like sudoku in your previous paragraph and tadaaa! Topic changed. The trick is to never let them realise you are trying to change topics, unless you are a pro like me who have been an expert at this for ages (ages is a exaggerated time dilation for a period of 1 year). 

Then suddenly you have the revelation that the new topic is an even harder topic to talk about. For example, I realise I am not Japanese and dont have the expertise and qualification to talk about shit like sudoku. So what do you do now? Do you continue to type rhetorical questions which the answers are all no? Regarding this question, honestly I think I have created a paradox here. Ok, "YES" if it is rhetorical, "NO" if it is not. Just pick a side, there is no dark side, this ain't Star Wars. Although I think picking "YES" would be seen as a form of submission of the weak and thus fall closely with the dark side, but fuck you guys aren't Star Wars fans anyway, you don't have to give shit about the balance of the Force. 

Ok fine perhaps it is best to continue ranting about that topic. So we move back to our dear asparagus. We try to dig deep to our creativity. We try to expand "asparagus" as an interesting topic.

Asparagus is green. Green is a colour.

Ok fuck this I give up.

Lol out.

Circle line

A comparative study between bi-directional methods of transportation to quantitatively analyse the difference in speed to reach Northern Stations from Clementi using Mass Rapid Transit


Author: Kaecol


Abstract:
Residents of northern stations (stretch from Kranji to Khatib) with the need to go home from Clementi have always relied on the usual uni-directional (west-wards) method of interchanging from East-West Line to North-South Line at Jurong East station. With the opening of Circle Line, a possibility of decrease in time has been opened to such residents by interchanging from Buona Vista station instead. After comparison of time-efficiency using bi-directional methods, research is conclusive that this possibility is false (with the possible exception of Khatib station for 6-7pm), with approximate mid-point of Admiralty station having a 50 minutes travel time for Circle Line compared to the usual method.


Key Words:
Go, Home, In, 50, Minutes

1. Introduction

The Mass Rapid Transit or MRT is a rapid transit system that forms the backbone of the railway system in Singapore, spanning the entire city-state. This form of transport is commonly used by Singaporeans, especially those without private transport, rich parents (the previous two are closely related) and those that require travel of long distances. Residents of northern Singapore have been geographically discriminated against since the dawn of the history of Singapore, possibly due to the proximity to Malaysia. This is evident from the incredible difficulty in transportation to other parts of Singapore, where Clementi is a notable example, as the school of an important person is located there. Northern Singapore has 7 stations, consisting of, from west to east, Kranji, Marsiling, Woodlands, Admiralty, Sembawang, Yishun, and Khatib. These 7 stations are termed the Northern stations, or K-K stations (Kranji to Khatib). Subsequently, the dash in K-K stations has been removed to form KK stations, using the initials of an important person who lives in Admiralty, the mid-point of the 7 stations. As convention, studies on the KK stations have been widely focused in Admiralty.

Previous research spanning close to 5 years by Kaecol et.al have revealed that the average timing taken for a resident in Clementi to reach Admiralty is approximately 30 minutes. This is done by using the East-West Line (green line) towards the West, and then interchanging at Jurong East Station to the North-South Line (red line). This is inclusive of the waiting time interval for interchanging, which is approximately 3 minutes, and with the assumption that the MRT driver is not an idiot that screws up every once and then, lengthening travel time. With the complete opening of Circle Line at 8th October 2011, an alternative route has been inferred after extensive research (the author spent 10 seconds looking at the new MRT map). The alternative route using green line towards the East , then interchanging at Buona Vista Station to Circle Line (orange line) towards the north, then interchanging at Bishan Station to red line towards KK stations. With the availability of a new route, a preliminary test has been conducted to obtain the travelling time required of such a route. The observed results are presented in this paper.

2. Materials and Methods

Researcher was equipped with a Sony Ericsson Xperia X10 Mini phone running on Android for timing purposes. The application used was called Stopwatch and Timer, downloaded from the Android Market. The accuracy and precision of such a device is comparatively 243 times better than the commonly used iPhone, due to the customizability of Android. Researcher was also equipped with casual shoes bought from Malaysia. The shoes were not capable of running to restrict the researcher from sprinting to tweak the timing results. 

The researcher was instructed to start the stopwatch upon entrance of MRT towards Pasir Ris/Changi Airport at Clementi. To ensure that the researcher began accurately on time, while not committing an illegal offence, the researcher made sure that he stood close to the MRT door and took a 0.8m stride into the MRT across the yellow line and platform gap while pressing the START button on the stopwatch synchronously. This required a lot of effort and difficulty, but the researcher is well-trained and extremely capable. Plus the receptive touch screen of such an Android device is flawless.

Researcher alighted at Buona Vista Station and walked towards the Circle Line. The speed of the walk was 5km/h, or 1 KRSNAPFA (Kevin's Running Speed for National Fitness Physical Award). Researcher waited for 3 minutes as the time interval during interchanging of trains for standardization purposes.

Researcher took Circle Line to Bishan Station. On a side note, Botanic Gardens Station to Caldecott Station   takes forever, causing temporal psychological distraught to researcher. Researcher alighted at Bishan Station and walked at 1.2 KRSNAPFA because he realised he really needed to pee. Sadly, the interchange time interval still remained at 3 minutes. To avoid bursting of bladder and possible damage to the valuable researcher, researcher had to walk home from Admiralty at 1.9 KRSNAPFA, but that is beyond the scope of this research.

Researcher took red line towards Jurong East and alighted at Admiralty, the mid-point of the KK stations. Researcher had to perform the feat of synchronously pressing the button again upon arrival, but this time the challenge increased in difficulty level as now it was the STOP button instead, which is slightly positioned to the right of the phone. Nevertheless, the capable researcher managed to complete the task and timing was successfully recorded.

3. Results

The timing was recorded to be 50minutes. As this is a comparative study, the bar graph plot of the timing of both research groups are presented below.

The red plot shows the timing taken for the previous group using the conventional green line switch to red line, while the pink plot is the timing for the current research. The timing are 30min and 50min respectively. This indicates that using the alternative route of Circle Line is 20min longer. This is extremely ridiculous for people who need to pee urgently.

For people living at Khatib, it might be more worth it to take Circle Line during 6pm to 7pm peak hours, as the additional train from Jurong East might end in Yew Tee, which is before Khatib, while the additional train from Bishan ends at Yishun, which is after Khatib. Although this has not been thoroughly examined due to the lack of researchers residing in Khatib, but calls for future studies.

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, residents of northern Singapore should REFRAIN FROM TAKING THE CIRCLE LINE.

Acknowledgements

The author would like to thank VJ for peer review of this paper before publication to the Journal of Titles are for Losers.

References

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_Rapid_Transit_(Singapore)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Admiralty_MRT_Station

http://www.smrt.com.sg/main/index.asp

http://www.sonyericsson.com/cws/corporate/products/phoneportfolio/specification/xperiax10mini

Lol out.

Waiting for Food

Oh god, I took 3 minutes to log in to blogger and find the "New Post" button. Gosh I hate the new blogger layout, it lags and is really confusing.

Funny thing is, 3 minutes isnt a really long time. I usually have more patience than that. I mean, waiting isn't all that bad anyway. You can do other stuff in the meantime. For example, I was eating my dinner while waiting. I recommend you to do other things while waiting. It is ridiculous to not do anything but wait. Lets say you wanna wait for your parents to die before you inherit their gold and assets. Do you sit around and do nothing? No goddamit, you suck up to them in the mean time so that a large proportion of gold and assets go to you and not to your damn siblings.

So for those of you that get incredibly impatient when waiting for something on your computer to load, go eat something in the meanwhile. Speaking of which, when I am at home, I eat all 3 meals in my room. Except on occasions like reunion dinners and birthday dinners which I am forced to go eat on the dining table. Those experiences are extremely distasteful (literally). Wow screw it I need to make better puns, but they are all lame now due to my swollen ankle.

As I was saying, I love eating in my room. Apart from the advantage of having something to do while my comp is lagging, the other real advantage is that I get to avoid eating food which I dislike. Basically due to the proximity of my computer table to the window, I launch food that I dislike out of the window, which can never be done in the dining room, where my mum can see my every action (this includes me trying to make fractal art with my noodles).

Yeah I really mean launch. I have attached a nifty mechanism on my window grill to perform such a spectacular task. The mechanism is made up of simply a huge spoon and a rubber band. Due to laziness I won't explain how the mechanism works in detail, imma gonna let your creativity help you visualize. If it helps, my window grills are horizontal, and the launching process closely resembles loading a catapault.

Hmm by now, you would probably have lots of questions. Like "Why would you waste food so simply? How about all the Africans that are starving? Isn't this killer litter? How does the mechanism work (I can't visualize)? Don't worry, I will answer them for you!

1. Why would you waste food so simply?
Ans: I believe I am not wasting. The food goes to the cats living below my block. I am merely sustaining the population of cats below my block and putting a positive selective pressure on weaker human beings that are allergic to cats (3 of them have moved out since the inception of my idea).

2. How about all the Africans are starving?
Ans: In contrary to popular belief, cats are more important than Africans. I know this concept is hard to grasp, but the impact and value of cats have been greatly increasing ever since the LOLcat meme came out. Thus I recognized my priorities. In fact, before the value of cats overtook the Africans, I did not waste food. Only when the balance tipped over in favour of cats, then I started launching food down for them. The time of the tip in balance was coincidentally also the time when my mum allowed me to have my meals in my room.

3. Isn't this killer litter?
Ans: No it isn't. I live on the 5th floor. I did a physics calculation: Since this was projectile motion, the collateral area my food fell on was limited to a small stretch perpendicular to my block (after accounting for various deviation from shaky hands while launching). Plus being only at 5th floor, the food could maximally fall at a harmless velocity. The only possible damage to the residents who happen to walk in that small stretch while I was launching is perhaps having orange coloured hair from the carrots I launch. In fact if they watch Bleach anime they might feel happy that they could cosplay Ichigo till they go home and wash their hair.

4. How does the mechanism work (I can't visualize)?
Ans: Hmm this means two things: you are either under 12 years old with the lack of creativity, or you are a woman above the age of 24 that have difficulties in spatial arrangement of 3D diagrams. Either way, you shouldnt be visiting this blog. If you are under 12, you should go and play with your transformer toys. If you are a woman above the age of 24, you should be in the kitchen making dinner for your spouse. The only reason you should use internet is to update your spouse on what he is having using facebook or twitter. This is the only reason why he bought you an iphone please.

(The 24 age limit before women start deteriorating in intelligence in general is true. This is why Singapore does not have compulsory NS for girls: For those doing further studies after their 4 years in university, if they had NS their age would likely be above 24, thus their intellgence drop will prove to be too troublesome.)

K hoped that this was helpful! Btw I don't really launch food out of the window, that is super retarded. But I have tested the mechanism and it works like a charm :P

Lol out.

How not to do work in Singapore

You hate monday mornings. You dislike seeing your Boss's face. You are tired from all the work stress.

Sadly, I don't give a shit

But since I am an empathetic individual (you are a pathetic one), I have devised an easy and cool way to earn money from not doing anything at all in Singapore. Really. Minimal effort is required.

Its called placing standard ticket collection boxes in MRT stations.

This method is beautiful. Remember that every standard ticket has a $1 deposit. Returning the card to SMRT gives you back $1. So the plan is to collect as many standard tickets as possible.

But which idiots will willingly give you that $1? Tourists are the best targets, of course. Preferably tourists that don't understand English for nuts. Just put up a big sign that has the picture of the green colored standard ticket, and those idiots will put it there.

So design your collection box. Apart from having that big sign with the picture of the green colored standard ticket, you could attract the tourists more by linking the green colored card to a theme such as environmental friendliness. Oh yea, include the recycling logo too. And the LTA logo, so that no one will question you. Clever advertisement is the key in every product.

Also, place the box in smart places. Not in every MRT station, but specific tourists attractions. Like Orchard, City Hall, Clarke Quay, Chinatown and so on. Not at ulu places like Clementi and Admiralty. The tourists don't go there. Learn how to strategize placement of key infrastructure.

To fully utilize the potential of the box, name the box "Standard Ticket Deposit Box for Recycling", where the word "deposit" might confuse even the English speaking tourists that hear the word "deposit" while obtaining the card. The idea is to create a psychological rift among your clients to gain the necessary financial advantage.

Remember, your clients are tourists. Do make sure your signboard is in many different languages. Tourists feel happy and contented if they see that you actually give shit about their country's language. Vice-versa, you make tourists feel that they are from an extremely special country if they dont see their country's language on that multilingual board. So just pick the popular languages and watch as you profit.

Oh yeah, dont credit me. Fuck no. This is your beautiful idea. If you wish to thank me, email me and we can arrange a way for you to donate generously to support this blog which is really really expensive to sustain.

Lol out.

Privately in Public

So it was another sunny day.

Then there was a terrible storm.

God I love doing this.

This above mechanic I just performed makes me a killjoy. A killjoy is one who spoils the enthusiasm or fun of others. Did not copy that from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/killjoy at all. And also I didn't even bother to change the font at all. And I just realised the address bar has the exact same font as the default font in this textbox, so copying and pasting from the address bar makes the font revert to normal size. Nice. All those irrelevant things in life now make perfect sense. If I said that these few sentences were absolute sarcasm would I contradict myself? Love the internet.

This above mechanic I just performed makes me a killjoy.

God I love doing this.

So it was another sunny day. I went to my friend's condo to trade harddisks. For safety and security reasons I will not expose my friend's true name. Instead we shall use two randomly picked initials like V and J. This of course has nothing to do with the person whose name would sound like how you will pronounce the alphabets V.J. together. I assure you client confidentially is of utmost importance.

So as I was saying it was another sunny day. And I went to V.J.'s condo to trade harddisks. Trading harddisks was the only reason why i went to V.J.'s condo. I did not had any alternative motives like telling him which cake was nice for V.J.'s upcoming birthday party (toldja the cake was going to be nice) or dropping a hint that I like miranda orange (which idiot drank all the miranda orange during the party? whos the greedy son of a bitch?) or forgetting to tell V.J. everyone hates Coke Zero (sorry guys, i forgot) or surveying the site for possible escape routes in case there was a fire and possible areas to loot in case of earthquakes. Oh yeah happy birthday V.J.

So instead of deviating from the main subject, lets get back to point. So as I was saying it was another sunny day. And I went to his/her (I cannot reveal gender information) condo to trade harddisks. While heading to V.J.'s condo I decided my spider sense was tingling and i needed to use the bathroom to excrete waste. So I requested to use the condo swimming pool toilet, which I termed as a private public toilet. V.J. retorted like a retarded retainee like |-|@|\|531 (Hansel in 1337, the disguise was for client confidentially purposes thus I will not reveal his/her name) that I was wrong and it was a public private toilet.

And guess what? We ended up in a heated argument. My argument is that it was privately owned by the condo, but publicly accessible by people within the condo. Thus the ordering of the adjectives. And his/her argument was that... well I kinda forgot. Hey when you know your opinion is right you kinda shut off your mind to all those rebuttals coz all of them are going to be wrong. Or we can just stick with I forgot.

Then I realised we were arguing about a really really retarded thing. Which could be a subject of legal issue if the term privatization or public toilets was coined for use in the legal department over embezzlement of local investment in condominium toilets, but in the end it wasnt worth arguing about. I am truly sorry I insulted you on this blog by calling you a retarded retainee, I did not mean it. Don't worry you are fine, you are a year 6 student! Unlike |-|@|\|531. Oh yeah btw i could go back and remove the sentence if you want me to. But "retorted like a retarded retainee" rhymes so well it is a really good tongue twister i couldnt bear to delete it.

God I love doing this.

Lol out.

Taking heed of advices

I am giving up. On trying to cook.

One simply does not acquire that skill innately. I have had a couple of mishaps, these days while trying to cook. Scalded skin, oil splattered floor, and roasted pet rodents (this is obviously not true). Oh, and have you ever seen a shattering tofu?

If your answer was yes, you are obviously lying. Only I can make shattering tofu. That is, fried tofu that have around 80% chance of exploding in all directions when held over a frying pan.

And I say that with 95% confidence (hey, I am trying to study statistics at the same time).

Its kind of like a frag grenade. For those of you who don't know what a frag grenade is, a frag grenade is a elementary playschool toy. It has been proven to be the most effective in quieting a bunch of kids down. Kids really love to bite on anything resembling a pacifier and tugging at it with their mouths.

So as I was saying, the shattering tofu is like a frag grenade. And I am extremely grateful and thankful to Britney Spears for saving my life. God bless her.

Wait what? Frag Britney Spears's Tofu? How does it all make sense?

Ok, like all great stories, it is best to start at the beginning.

I was trying to cook my favorite dish. And as unfortunate as I can be, my favorite dish consists of preparing fried tofu. This cooking initiative was enforced legislatively by the senior member of my blood-bond closest kin relations. Or in simpler terms, my mum made me learn cooking.

So what ingredients do you need for frying tofu? All you need is tofu, cooking oil, and cornstarch/flour. Simple and easy. Roll the tofu in cornstarch and cook it in the pan using the cooking oil.

Now, I would like to provide you all with general tips in life, which I would like all to take heed.

1. Vinegar, looks like fucking cooking oil.

2. Baking Soda, looks like fucking cornstarch.

Oh yea, on a less important sidenote, mixing vinegar and baking soda gives you explosions.

Ok, I was exaggerating. There is only a sizzling reaction between baking soda and vinegar. Sure, bubbles are formed, but it isn't even close to an explosion.

Unless of course, you supply heat to the reaction.

So there I was, wasting my time cooking a dish. My "oil" has started to sizzle, and everything looked good. My "cornstarch" hasn't turned brown yet though, and I wonder why.

Then my playlist miraculously shuffles to the latest Britney Spears' song.

As a young and educated Singaporean, I recognized my priorities. I needed to change tracks. Preferably to something like Mogwai or the Weakerthans. Both are incredible bands.

As soon as I left the kitchen, everything in the pan turned into chaos. Tofu started jumping out of the pan. Some shattered and splurted stuff all over the place. Bits of tofu landed near the sink. The whole scenario was like some Pompeii revisit. I ended up being punished and force to clean the whole kitchen. So I spent the next 2 hours miserably trying to scrub off the tofu.

On a more optimistic point of view, I successfully managed to change tracks to the Weakerthans. And even better, I won't ever have to touch the frying pan again :D

Now do you see the reason why I am thanking Britney Spears? Because she makes such sucky music, it really makes you have to change it. And that miraculous moment saved my life. Because if I hadn't walked out, I might have ended up being really injured and burnt and paralyzed and crippled and killed. God bless her.

And of course, the above story is completely untrue (aww). I mean, who the fuck is gonna thank Britney Spears?

p.s. Vinegar and baking soda really reacts. A safe procedure to observe this reaction is to fill your baby brother's mouth with baking soda and force feed him vinegar to watch foams come out of his mouth. Do remember to close his mouth to restrict messing up the floor and of course, for easier disposal.

Lol out.

Do we really need good grammar/vocabulary?

I am writing back in response to the D grade I received for language during one of my fruitless exploits of the thing called Summative.

First of all, like any good argument, it should have logic and facilitate a civil discussion. Violence, swearing, and trolling should be avoided. I, and I like to think we, would perhaps want this argument to be ideal in terms of reflecting the issue at hand and not as a mean to provoke or verbally abuse each other. I hope this turns out to be a fruitful discussion which I would, try to effectively represent my ideas as an argument to why we don't need good grammar or vocabulary.

So let us start. As this is the initial stage of developing my arguments as a frontal assault into the depths of your mind, I would have to put a really good quote down. It is apparently completely useless and uninteresting if my introduction does not start with a quote. An epic quote always sways the fragile mind of my reader to support my ideals and arguments. The quote doesn't even need to have a meaning, just two really long words that seem to be substantial of a high level of vocabulary. As I am currently incapable of thinking of an original quote, I shall create one on the spot, and say it is a quote by a famous person. Heck, I will even create the person on the spot, as long as he has a short Christian name as his first name and a longer name that sounds German or English as his last name.

"Supremacy deviates the unintentional." This quote, by Jeff Averendon, depicts how useless grammar and vocabulary can be in today's world. Note that I used the argument in the context of today's world. My argument has to be absolutely updated, and omnipresent in every place in the world. Without these magical two words, you obviously jump on me like a wolf, and rip my argument into shreds. No I am not going to let you do that. You did that 4 years ago. No way am I going to give you a second chance. I have gained a lot of experience now, having taken lessons which contain the exact same content for close to 4 years. What I do not understand is, why you constantly come up and question me about the topic of feminism throughout these 4 years. My friends and I have already made our intentions clear: we are extremely unwilling to engage in an argument regarding that topic. Why do you have to constantly remind us? It would perhaps, be a better alternative if you based your argumentative questions on more important issues at hand, like whether red paint or green paint would look nicer on the garden gate? We would be more obliged to write a descriptive and argumentative essay regarding that.

If it inherently puzzles you, I would really prefer green paint, as it kind of matches the green of the garden. This is obviously completely dependent on whether your garden has a bed of roses. Red would be a better alternative for this situation.

This is the exact time you tend to criticize me. You take every opportunistic chance, to tell me that I have obviously gone out of point. You find the most ridiculous way to ridicule my argument, by searching extensively for a small part which might be insignificant to the issue at hand, and ask: Where is the link? Are you sure this is in the context of the argument? You repeat this question, again and again, in perhaps one or two arguments per essay I write. You state I went out of point. How? The issue at hand is whether we need good grammar/vocabulary, but why does that mean I cannot talk about color choices for the garden gate? Is it humane to do so, to restrict my rights and urges to write about the wonderful garden gate? The link between garden gates and grammar is nonexistent, you say? Don't they both start with the alphabet G? Don't they both end with R?

Again you spot a mistake. The word 'gates' don't end with R. The obvious weakness in my speelling creates an increased level of frustration within your inner chi. To vent your frustration, you decide to lower my grade in the language component. But first of all, of course you double check my name to make sure I am not one of those pitiful China nationals that might be slightly (or extremely) disadvantaged in my language proficiency. Why is there this bias? Don't they also have 4 years of training? How are you certain I didn't spend my primary school living in Shanghai and thus have lower standards of English (which I apparently did, for your information). Is there a need for such outright bias?

Slippery slope. I do not suffer from this chronic condition, but some of my friends do. I do not fathom the idea why it is inherently wrong to base your argument on other inter-linked arguments which leads to the current argument. Slippery slope arguments have nothing wrong with them, if they make sense using logic. And because they have nothing wrong with them, it is correct to use them. And because it is correct to use them, there should not be a penalty when using them. And because no penalty should be incurred for using them, slippery slope arguments make sense using logic.

Conclusions are difficult to write. Understandably, you are kind, and sympathize with us as you understand there might be a problem with our weak skills in time management. I thank you for that. Then you write a commentary underneath our conclusion, which is as I put it, completely illegible. We spend so much time, honing our penmanship to please you, and then in return receive feedback that look equivalent to amateur abstract art? I thank you sincerely.

I didn't put relevant examples? Again?

Lol out.